October 31, 2007
CLOSING NIGHT WITH KATO KAELIN!!! TONIGHT!
THE REVALATIONS!
Flanked by Jesuses!
GOOD & EVIL!
SIN FOR THE DAY!
October 30, 2007
October 29, 2007
Reason # 666 I'm Not Fully Entrenched In Hollywood
NIght number 11 of Hollywood Hell House was probably the biggest night of the run. The audiences were on and lively and big. I had several friends come to the show. The party room was as crazy as it ever was - aside from the night the strippers and their men came by.
The party room/bar floor has been collecting 11 nights of confetti and trash and discarded donut holes. Late that evening, delivering a couple cocktails to friends, I got knocked and tripped and my legs splayed on the slippery foil confetti and I landed on the inside of my right knee and the bottom of my left knee. Having two cocktails in hand, only losing half of one, I needed help up - it's fucking embarrasing, but the show must go on. I knew my dancing was done for the evening and I probably was going to wake up mighty sore.
During my insomnia, perpetuated by the endless repetition of "Like A Virgin" in my head, I came up with a plan. I'll get a wheel chair. I woke up and though I could walk it hurt like hell any time I stepped with my right. No way I was dancing, no way I was bopping high fives to the newly saved. Wheel chair it would be. Then I could get healed! Perfect!
I called my friend who had a chair - he wasn't using it. Folded it into the car and took it to the theater. The producer met us at the door and was shocked to hear about the injury but thought the wheel chair was an "awesome" idea. Thumbs up! While working with it in the party room, the director arrived and was also aghast to hear about the injury but thought the chair was again - a "hilarious" idea. I went to find Jesus and told him whenever he had a break and wanted to come to the bar, he could "heal" me. Fabulous. The "preacher" in the bar was also preparing to do the same whenever we felt it ripe for doing so (or when I needed to use the latrine). My fellow youth grouper and I figured a way that the leg extensions weren't obtrusive. We practiced together moving around and spinning.
Then the axe fell. Actually not fell so much as bludgeoned. I turned my back for literally four minutes and my chair disappeared. My fellow YG and I found it in the back stock room. We brought it back out.
A minute later a certain bloke who calls himself a producer came in and said something to the effect of "what the fuck is this doing back here?" I told him it was mine and I would be using it for the duration of the evening. The bellowing that came out of his mouth was at once disgusting and hilarious. I couldn't even get the story out about my knee, the approval of others, the "healings"... he was grunting and YELLING "NO" and "NO FUCKING WAY" and whatever else while grabbing the chair and banging it through the bar opening and literally dumping it in the stock room. I fully believe he would've done the same thing if I were in it. I wish I had been. He continued yelling as if to a child or a bad dog trying to say what a hazard it would be...dangerous. Apparently he didn't get the fact - or care that the room was already dangerous as I had just fallen on the floor and cracked my knee! Not to mention uh, we are in a haunted house...where the rooms are completely dark and the hallways thin with large crowds...strobe lights....sticky bloody floors...10 people fainting or nearly fainting over the previous nights...serving liquor...
Aside from the obvious joy this guy got out of shutting me down at top lung, it struck me as not only overreacting, but discriminating!. Hear me out. There was an audience member that showed up on the first night of the show in a wheel chair. Not only did we acommadate him in the twists and turns of the dungenous house, he had no choice but to come into the party room. Would this baffoon turn away a handicapped patron? No. Did he think we were that stupid as to go ramming into people? On that note - let me just add what transpired in the party room later that evening. Two people were slipping all over the floor as they defied gravity in their acrobatic, Indian-style Circue du Soleil dance and an hour after that a woman landed smack twisted on her ass and she was clearly going to hurt after the alcohol wore off. There were balloons floating across the floor and I almost slid on them twice leaving my bar stool which is where I did most of my reveling from that night.
The guy (I have many other names for him) got another chance to yell and be king of his imagined domain when he passed by as I was discussing the situation with the director. I wasn't there to fight it, just let her know, but he got another chance to pull the macho card. Top of his voice, hammer down, bully. And later, thewoman who created this magic that is Hollywood Hellhouse threatened to talk to him about it but I stopped her. Believe me, I said. It's just going to give him more to Jack-off to later because he's not going to let me win.
I'm still limping today, Monday. I still expect to be tweaking on Wednesday night and not fully able to youth group as I should. The wheel chair sits at the theater waiting for me. Waiting for some fun. Waiting for laughs. Waitiing for nothing but a trip to an abandoned Mexican restaurant and back to my friend's house. My friend who knows comedy and who knows how do deal with his cast and crew with respect. Who I know will roll his eyes, shake his head and snort when I tell him of the ridiculousness. It would have been funny. It would have been fine. It would have saved me from wanting to commit sin.
Sins For The Day
I think I'm behind on my sins.....
Kato Kaelin blessed us with his presence last Thursday as he will allegedly be playing Jesus on Halloween and was checking it all out.
While in the party room, I steered him and his gal pal toward the "pin your sin on Jesus". I noticed at one point that he was seated at the bar with sharpie in hand and post-it at the ready for his sin. He was actually pondering with head cocked toward the ceiling corner, brow furrowed as if to say, Hmmm, what can I possibly come up with." I unfortunately missed him posting his written sin as I was bopping from one side of the room to the other which is what I do for Hellhouse all night long. I looked and I read, and I just couldn't find what might have been the quintessential Kato sin. But I did find one that I like to THINK was his. (I don't have a pic because when I went back the next night to photograph it, it had disappeared.)
I like to believe that Kato Kaelin wrote:
"I coveted the shit out of my neighbor''s wife"
October 28, 2007
October 26, 2007
Sins For Friday
Last night a "saved soul" was appalled that somebody wrote they killed Kurt. Which made me chortle because some of the stuff on the pin-your-sin-on-Jesus wall is so salacious or gross they might be true.
October 25, 2007
October 24, 2007
Amazing Trip
All Hell Housers should check out this link from Brian Flemmingon the greatest drug of all.
October 21, 2007
Saturday in Heaven and Hell
Bill Maher was hanging with Obama before he made a polite exit telling the candidate he had to come do Hellhouse. I find that amazing since some of the "actors" commited to their roles in Hellhouse sometimes don't even show up.
Jonathan Schmock shed his Demon Tour Guide duties for a run at Jesus.
And a very pretty Jesus at that.
Satan and Jesus were at it all night.
Just another disfunctional Hollywood relationship with its "ups and downs".
And just like family, you have to let your differences go and have a laugh and a drink.
And very importantly, one must have a sense of humor about others' beliefs.
The professional that Bill is, this was his second take at a spit-take as I didn't know he was going to do it the first time. He also graciously hung out and took dozens of photos with fans with their iPhones. It's good to be King.
October 20, 2007
Things Are Heating Up In Hell
Dermot Mulroney joins the Hollywood Youth Group and brings his dry delivery and curled lip to the show as Jesus.
johnny venoku and Myra Turley are Satan and Demon Tour Guide respectively,
Jesus and Satan together again.
And your sin for the day (from the "pin your sin on Jesus" wall...)
...In honor of Bill (upper blue post-it) who almost had to kick some audience ass last night on Real Time and who will be kicking some ass in Hell tonight.
October 18, 2007
See You In Hell
Week Three Of Hollywood Hellhouse Starts Tonight
David James and Kathy Christopherson portray Mac & Carrie - pimp & ho
Also rumored to be celebs on the cast list Friday and Saturday....
The fun in Fundamentalism continues.
October 16, 2007
Meeting Of The Max
When I walk Max the Irish Wolfhound I expect to be approached and to be asked a lot of questions.
I should wear a t-shirt that reads:
MAX
Irish Wolfhound
Almost 3
180 Lbs (give-or-take)
I don't know how much he eats.
Life Span: don't ask
I also ocassionaly run into or overhear someone saying,
"I have a friend who has an Irish Wolfhound..."
And I automatically reply, "Dean?" Because how many Irish Wolfhounds are in Hollywood, really.
And yes, it is always the Dean they know who has an Irish Wolfhound and yup, that is Max.
Today I fielded all the questions and Max got all the admiration as we walked the trail.
I was waiting for him, as I often have to because he tires easily and he just sometimes likes to take his own sweet time.
When he appeared at the watering hole, a girl seated on a picnic table called out, "Did you call him Max?"
"Yes."
"Is he an Irish Wolfhound?"
"Yes."
"Can I pet him?"
"Sure."
She got down off the table, and came towards us. Max always detects attention so he welcomed it.
"It's so weird, " she continued, "I have a friend..."
I cut her off. "Dean?"
"Yeah! So this IS Max. Yeah, Dean is a friend of mine. I'm Jordan, by the way."
She held out her hand. Very polite, sweet.
"Yeah," she continued, "Dean did my hair on the show...I went to his house a couple times too so I met Max...."
I knew as soon as she said "Jordan" that she was Jordan Sparks, the Idol.
Couldn't have picked her out of a lineup before that if I had to - I don't watch Idol.
Don't need to. Dean works on Idol. My friend Paula works on Idol. It fit.
But - "THE show..." ?
Struck me as an odd thing. If I hadn't known - I wouldn't have known.
"the show..."
Cuz, like, it's THE SHOW!
And Max, well, he's "LIKE A HORSE!"
Of course, of course.
BTW - this was a much better Hollywood encounter than 30 minutes earlier when we arrived at the park and saw a young man, seemingly drugged or at least post-drugged carrying an empty bottle of Smart Water and hanging on a post weeping. Then heproceeded to keep pace with us halfway down the hill talking about his Great Dane in England.
October 14, 2007
End Of Hellhouse Weekend #2
Saturday night I learned that one of the actresses offered one of the actors a BJ if he walked her to her car.
(It was raining, he did walk but he did not take the offer.) (So he says) (I believe him)
I also learned that Bill left with the girl I introduced him to.
I learned that people that grow up going to Hellhouses enjoy getting nostalgic over their previous lives.
I learned that there is at least one fainter every night. (It's very bloody in the hospital room.)
I learned that male twenty-somethings know all the moves to the Backstreet Boys.
I learned that hip hoppers can rap endlessly.
The last tour group was boisterous and juiced and turned the youth group party room into a whole different thing altogther. Every night is new surprise.
October 13, 2007
Halfway Point In Hellhouse Run
Tonight David James switches roles from Chad to Pimp.
Last night I switched roles from Youth Grouper Evangaline to Pimp.
Pimping for Bill Maher. AKA the sometimes Satan in Hellhouse.
Hopefully Bill wasn't playing Satan last night with the pretty patron that I convinced to meet him.
I love Bill. And the devil within.
Jonathan Schmock and Brian Smith aka Demon Tour Guides
October 11, 2007
Straight Outta Hellhouse
Down to the black trench coat, the Marilyn Manson tee and the argument about God...except in Hellhouse he doesn't wound...
October 09, 2007
LA Weekly REVIEWS HOLLYWOOD Hellhouse
HOLLYWOOD HELL HOUSE 2007 Just like in an old-fashioned spook house, audience members travel from room to room while viewing all sorts of scary creatures. But because this script is a compilation of previous works by the Abundant Life Christian Center, the focus is on evangelical horrors: raves, gay people, premarital sex. At the rave, a girl reluctantly takes a pill and is immediately gang-raped, causing her to commit suicide the same night. A school shooting scene is particularly effective because the actors remain expressionless throughout, including the girl who refuses to renounce her faith to save her life. An unrepentant AIDS patient shares a room with two women who are undergoing abortions — botched by the looks of it (watch out for the stage blood). Compiler Maggie Rowe has retained the heavy-handed didacticism of the original works, while director Jaclyn Lafer has lightened it up, tongue firmly in cheek, with the large cast delivering their message of Christian salvation in complete deadpan. Tours run every 15 minutes, and each group is escorted by a Demon. Ours was particularly quick on his feet, improvising when a he discovered a few of his props were missing. ACAPULCO, 385 N. La Cienega Blvd., L.A.; Thurs.-Sat., 8:30 p.m. & every 15 minutes until 11 p.m.; thru Oct. 27. (323) 960-7822 or www.Âhollywoodhellhouse.com. (Sandra Ross)
October 06, 2007
Hollywood Hellhouse Is Back And Open
Every Thursday, Friday and Saturday in October and Halloween we are at the former Acapulco on La Cienega putting the Fun in Fundamentalism. See Hollywood Hellhouse and Plays411 for tickets.
See why playing Light As A Feather Stiff As A Board will send you to Hell.
Demon Tour Guides take you from sin room to sin room. He and Suicide Spirit convince Jessica to say goodbye, cruel Jesus.
The very first tour through Hollywood Hellhouse 2007 was put to the test with a wheelchair patron. Not to worry. Cast and crew made it through that and four more tours. Second night six tours. I predict twelve a night by the end of the run.
Won't post the gory stuff. Gotta see it to believe what the pastors across the country are selling to teenagers to find Jesus. Here's our Jesus with his warrior angel and book of life.
Wayne Federman as Pastor Dan will greet you after the tour and guide you and your new found souls to the party room where music and cocktails are served. What Would Jesus Drink?
Youth Groupers will be there to help you purge those old sinful souls and help you "pin your sins on Jesus". And serve you donut holes.
How lucky that Acapulco closed down so we can bring you blood, guts, laughs and Jesus.
October 02, 2007
Little Sexy Money
I just received a check for...drum roll... $18.75 for the rental of a painting for Dirty Sexy Money.
That'll get me a couple dirty martinis. Oh, wait. Okay, in LA that's one martini with tip.