April 30, 2004
The Spin On Chuck E.
Last night I went to Sit 'n Spin at the Comedy Central stage at the Hudson Theater. My friend Maggie is co-producer of this bi-weekly event that showcases comic writings and readings by comic writers and actors. It also features musical guests that anchor the performances. Last nights music artist was the one and only Chuck E. Weiss. Yes, that Chuck E., as in Chuck E's in love.
Among the writer/performers were an old friend Rich Shydner, and the ever dynamically funny Marcia Wallace. Marcia read from her just released autobiography "Don't Look Back, We're Not Going That Way". Shydner was irreverent at best with his stream of conscious look at sex and fear and sex and marriage and sex and prison. He had everyone in stitches if not giggling uncomfortably.
After every Sit 'n Spin, the group and audience always went out to Pinot, a very fine restaurant/bar in Hollywood. However, after the last event, the group was no longer welcome there because of certain activities by a certain someone after a certain amount of some things. So last night we went over to Stella's which was previously Intermezzo. I don't recommend it I'm afraid, but everyone made the best of it. I sat down with Chuck E. and had a good chat.
He asked me who my favorite photographer is and I swear every time someone asks me that, I freeze up and can't remember.
We discussed the state of the music business, which he called completely dead and horrendous. "I mean, really", he said, "no one buys records any more. Who do you know that buys records any more?" I agreed with him, especially that the records that ARE being bought are mostly crap, but that I had personally that day, downloaded an album but that I paid for it.
I asked him how it was working with Tom Waits. He told me that Tom was one of his best friends, and that although it isn't always good to work with your friends, he always has a great experience with Tom. Chuck E. is currently finishing up another record - that you all should BUY!
I asked if I could take his picture and he agreed as long as he could keep his glasses on and close his eyes. Sometimes, he told me, that he gets migraines from the flash.
We also discussed his tenure at the Central, which is now the Vipor Room. I told him I had a birthday party there one year many years ago. After we traded how many years we both have been in town and how many years he played the Central/Vipor Room, we were very clear on our middle agedom, but hey - we're both still around, both still at it.
April 29, 2004
Reality Schmality
Now more than ever do I hope the Sacramento Kings GO DOWN!! It was reported today- in the Hollywood Reporter - that the Maloof brothers, that own the Kings, have now signed a development and production deal with MGM TV. First on their list are two reality based shows, with you guessed it - the Maloofs as subjects. Not just the Kings owners, but the whole family including mom. Is there no end to this?
I'm so sick of looking at Donald Trump, I could puke. Fire me, please! I have a friend who says about reading the Hollywood Reporter, "Fifteen minutes to read, five months to get over." Now not only do we have to read about the millionaires making more and more millions, we have to watch it on TV. Not to mention the karaoke contests and worm eating models.
My reality TV is Basketball, Football & Baseball. Go Lakers! Okay, yeah, those are millionaires making more and more millions, but at least there's not a script supervisor in the wings.
April 28, 2004
Auction (and marriage) Over
This eBay auction was emailed to me with apologies attached, but I'm grateful I got to see it before it was over. I checked in two hours before close, and it was at $15,000. And 15 minutes of fame for this fella is also around the corner...heavens.
For Sale: One Slightly Used Size 12 Wedding Gown. Only worn twice: Once at the wedding and once for these pictures.
Make: Victoria
Style: 611
Size: 12
Divorce forces sale
I found my ex-wife's wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, "That’s such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it." So, this is what I’m doing. I’m selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didn’t so I got stuck with the bill. Luckily I only got stuck with his daughter for 5 years. Thank the Lord we didn't have kids. If they would have turned out like her or her family I would have slit my wrists. Anyway, it’s a really nice dress as you can see in the pictures. Personally, I think it looks like a $1200 shower curtain, but what do I know about this. We tried taking pictures of this lovely white garment but it didn’t look right on the hanger as you can see, so my sister says, "You need a model." Well, quite frankly my sister isn’t exactly small, (like a size 12 is?) so she wouldn’t pose for the picture. Seeing as I have sworn off women for the time being and I ain’t friends with any, it left me holding the bag. I took the liberty of blacking out my face - not to protect the ex-wife but to protect me from my bar buddies and co-workers finding out about it. I would never live it down. Actually I didn’t think my head would fit in the neck hole, but then I figured she got her Texas cheerleader hair through there I could get my head in it. Though, after looking at the pictures, I thought it made me look fat. How do you women wear this crap? I only had to walk 3 feet and I tripped twice. Don’t worry ladies - I am wearing clothes on underneath it. I gotta say it did make me feel very pretty. So if it can make me feel pretty, it can make you feel pretty, especially on the most important day of your life, right? Anyway, I was told to say it has a train and a veil and all kinds of shiny beady things. I think it's funny that one picture makes it look like the chest plate off an Imperial Storm Trooper. Did I mention that all I want is a ball game and beer? Cheap at twice the price. Ladies, you won’t regret this. You may regret the dude you marry but not the dress.
Just a little side note - As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn't be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work...
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On Apr-26-04 at 10:38:31 PDT, seller added the following information:
Well, the auction is a little over half over and I am just amazed. This thing has taken more hits than that pothead that lives in the next building. Man, oh man, if hits were bucks I’d be getting a suite at Safeco.
I also have received TONS of email. I don’t have the time to reply to all of them but I just want to let everyone know that I appreciate the well wishes.
Of the email I received:
Five or so were invitations to ball games in other states. Two of those were for little league games. Do they have those cushy executive boxes with the free chicken wings at those?
One email was from Scotland. It’s a good thing he wrote it because I wouldn’t be able to understand a word he said. Never did get through Braveheart.
Most were thanking me for the laugh. You’re entirely welcome. Five years of misery was well worth the hearty guffaw that was my pleasure to give you.
Oh, yeah. I also got three marriage proposals. Yes, you read it right - three marriage proposals. I feel like one of those mass murderers on death row. I never understood how the hell they got more chicks than I did. Now I know. They sold crap on eBay.
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On Apr-26-04 at 23:45:56 PDT, seller added the following information:
Holy Moly!
The hit counter is starting to look like the odometer in my truck! Not the new shiny black full-size 4-wheel-drive American pick-up that I had to part with, but the somewhat older, multicolored, lumpy, tiny, 2-wheel-drive foreign pick-up that belches smoke. A little something about that vehicle, though: it’s absolutely amazing! When I get inside it to go to the store, I am all depressed. But when I arrive at the store, I’m so freaking loopy from inhaling the fumes, I forget why I went there in the first place. I’m saving buckets of money. Of course, I will probably have to spend it all on the tuberculosis I will acquire, but hey, you can’t have everything.
I felt compelled to update this ad once more due to all of your emails. The first thing I have to say is thank you all for your support in my time of need. It was a truly harrowing experience. Some of you men know exactly what I mean.
Seeing as this has turned into my little public forum, I just want to address a few of the emails that kind of left me scratching my head.
I now have five marriage proposals. You would think my speaking of the ones I already got yesterday would have put a damper on it, but you women sure are persistent. One woman actually said she doesn’t want to marry me, but wouldn’t mind being my ex-wife. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Nope. No thanks, already got one. (Pssst. Didn’t I mention I had one? Who wants an ex-wife that can’t read? Now, I know what you guys are thinking - "If she can’t read, then the divorce would be smooth sailing." Well, that would be all well and good but I didn’t say her ATTORNEY couldn’t read. You following me on this?)
Other emails are serious buyers asking about the dress. "How long is the train?" and "Does the gown come with the headdress and veil?" Yes, headdress and veil are included, but the do-rag stays with me. And if the train was long enough for my ex’s caboose, it’s long enough for yours. You will have to supply your own baggage, though. I gave mine to Goodwill.
There was this one woman who wrote, "You should have covered your tattoos. People will be able to recognize you, like on America’s Most Wanted." HELLO!!! I’m a guy selling a dress. I’m not wanted for war crimes.
Some of your emails made me laugh. Like the bitter woman that wished she had her ex’s testicles to sell on eBay. I’m not too sure there’s a market for that, though. Then there was the guy that gave his wife’s wedding dress to the Salvation Army by mistake, thinking it was a Christmas tree. Guess he didn’t have any Christmas balls that year.
This has also been a learning experience for me. I got a lot of messages correcting me about the color of wedding dresses. For Russian Orthodox, they are blue. For Chinese they are red. Mexico has multi-colored ones. All I know is, for my next wedding I will be wearing a hairy, flesh-toned ensemble because I will be buck naked with a toe tag lying on a slab in the morgue because I would have killed myself.
A lot of folks were asking me if I wear women’s dresses a lot. I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever donned female attire. It’s also the first time I’ve been inside something feminine that didn’t nag me to take out the garbage.
It seems a few people have taken offense to my inferring a size 12 is big. One male even pointed out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Now, I would agree with you that size 12/14 is small if I lived elsewhere. But I live right here in the good old 48 Contiguous, where binging and purging is a way of life. American women do not want to be double digits in size. Just ask any woman what size they want to be. Invariably they will say five or seven. Wealthy will be the person that opens a store for Lane Bryant-sized women but sews size 7 tags on all the clothes.
On the flip side of that, I have taken offense to some of the people that told me I’m ugly and a loser. All I have to say is you’d be ugly too if you had a huge white blotch on your face. And as far as being a loser, I think you have it all wrong. I am such the winner. It isn’t every day an average guy can make 50,000 people laugh. Thanks to each and every one of you from the heart of my bottom.
Because of the high profile of this item, I am changing the listing to Pre-Approved Bidders Only. To be pre-approved, please contact me at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com and include "Serious Bidder" in the subject line of the email and I will return your email to pre-approve your bidding on the auction. Thank you for your interest.
Woooooooohoooooo! What a wild ride! The emails are coming faster than the hits. And now personal appearances. First Star94 radio in Atlanta, then King5 in Seattle,now the Today Show with that I-used-to-be-a-fat-weatherman-but-now-I-am-as-skinny-as-Regis-but-twice-as-funny Al "I will turn this car around" Roker.
It is amazing; all this media hype. Hey, Al! Any relation to Roxy?
EBay has graciously allowed me to update this page once more. So I will keep it brief.
This one guy emailed me and said, "Hey, bud. What part of Texas do you live?"
Uh... Well, sir, I am from Seattle. Uh, Seattle, Texas.
Right next to AreYouAFreakingMoron, Texas, which is a hop, skip and jump from IWasEducatedByGeorgeBush, Texas. Thanks for asking, neighbor.
We have a website coming that everyone can check out. It will be up soon.
www.theebayweddingdressguy.com
Please only bid if you are serious. Or really, really hot.
A Night In The Life Of A Puppy
I swear I didn't place the pig there -it's a doorstop! And the coolest spot in the house.
The night lights shine as bright as the sun has been hot. Oscar Madison Wilde in a not so wild moment.
April 26, 2004
Quote Of The Day
On seeing Hanson on television pushing their new album;
Her: "Well, they probably have more talent than all that other boy band stuff - NSync, 98 Degrees..."
Him: "That's like saying this dog shit smells better than that dog shit."
April 19, 2004
Opening Day
While in Chicago, I visited Wrigleyville on Opening day for the Cubs. I had no tickets - just wanted to hang out with the crowds.
A brat and a beer on a freezing cold day.
It was far too cold for baseball. By the time the Cubs had given away six or seven runs, the stands emptied and the bars filled to capacity.
The diehards stood on Waveland waiting for a homer from Sammy.
It was the seventh inning stretch and Bill Murray kept the block amused with "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". (I'm sure he was kept warm in the owner's box)
The Cubs blew their opening day game but there are alot of games left.
April 15, 2004
Gordon Revisted
This morning I took Oscar to Runyon Canyon for his first Hollywood Hills hike. On the top of the hill we ran into a terrier named Gordon. Wow, I thought, that was quick.
I returned late last night from the Chicago area where I attended the funeral services for my friend Gordon Boos. I got to town on Easter morning and opened the Chicago Tribune to see his obituary quite prominently placed. I was told at the wake that one local paper after another got wind of Gordon's story and hopped on it quickly. After all, it was an impressive one. I learned a lot more about my friend over those couple days and what continued to impress me wasn't just his resume which the papers repeated. This is a guy who, in 45 short years, did a lot of living. Effortlessly, aggressively and passionately.
During the formal Catholic mass, there was a reading from I believe, the Old Testament. I am not able to tell you which one or even a line from it, but the essence of it was how Jesus lived his life. To help others, to the best of his abilities, with intense drive and love for others, etc. Every time I heard the name Jesus in this passage, I inserted the name Gordon and it fit perfectly.
The last time I saw Gordo, it was about six or seven months ago at a dinner party. He was telling me he was about to go to UCLA Medical Center the following morning to start another series of tests. Basically he was going to be a guinea pig. He said, "Well, maybe some day they'll write a book about me." Unfortunately, UCLA did not have time to study what was left of Gordon's brain - within a month the cancer had pretty much taken over. After being among his family and friends for two days, I can say that there will be no book about his death but there should surely be one about his life. A true inspiration for living life to the fullest, not giving up even when the cards are stacked against you, having a sense of humor and above all, to have fun at all times.
He told an up and coming Editor and first time Assistant Director that to do his job well and deal with the crew, he needed to 'make them love loving you.' Simple words of advice but ones I won't ever forget. Gordon Boos set a great example. And left behind a mile of stories to tell and grateful friends to tell them.
April 10, 2004
Happier Days
I'll be in the Chicago area in the coming days attending services for the one and only Gordon Boos. If you haven't checked out his tribute website, even if you didn't know him, it is pretty impressive.
Wishing everyone passion and compassion this Easter.
April 06, 2004
All My Friends
This morning I woke up with a tune in my head. A catchy little ditty by Jim Carroll. I won’t mention the name or the lyrics but those of you who know the Catholic School Boy’s music, you know what I’m talking about. Despite its poetic catchiness, it is an unhappy piece. For once I didn’t want it in my head.
Yesterday I learned that my friend H. Gordon Boos had died over the weekend. He’d suffered a long battle with brain cancer - a couple of his final years he was in remission, but it was a fight that couldn’t be won.
Gordon was a pretty amazing guy – one of the smartest I have ever met. I believe it was just after he returned from being in Italy for three months to film Godfather III, that I first had drinks with him and some other friends at Atlas. He was the 1st Assistant Director on that movie and many others including Tucker, Cobb, Tin Cup and The Rookie. He had the professional and social mentality of a 1st Assistant Director – sharp, quick, intense, charming.
An ironic misfortune to say the least. Gordon and I found common ground from the get go. We were both from Chicago suburbs and both Cubs and Bears fans. We got together on many a Sunday morning to commiserate over the Monsters of the Midway.
Gordon was a connoisseur of fine wine and fine dine. When he returned from Italy he admitted his love for the place and continued his fascination through art and food. He was one of my very first patrons when he bought a painted photo that I did of the Mediterranean hillsides that reminded him of Italy. Also, around the same time, I was making my living by painting houses and using a lot of faux finishes. He hired me once on a house he rented in Pasadena and again for the house he bought in the Hollywood Hills.
Gordon was in the process of transitioning his career into directing his own movies. He hired me on one as still photographer. Unfortunately, that particular movie made it through pre-production but no further. Financing fell through or some such Hollywood shit. He made others independently. He also made his greatest production during all his medical issues – a little boy named Keagan.
Next week his services are in his hometown in Illinois. There will also be a memorial in Los Angeles in the near future. There is a
website being set up to get the word out. If in case anybody reads this, that may have known someone that knew someone that knew Gordon, please comment here or use the
website. He will be greatly missed because he was a greatly stately guy.