God accepts credit for killing spree

Special to Brian Flemming's Weblog

New Life Church security guard Jeanne Assam says she's no hero. After gunman Matthew Murray killed four people in Colorado Springs, he was shot by Assam, 42, ending the killing spree.

But Assam refuses to accept any credit for her actions: "I just prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide me. I give the credit to God. This has got to be God, because of the firepower [gunman Murray] had versus what I have."

Reached for comment, God accepted credit for Assam's heroism, but complained that the praise was too limited.

"Of course I am responsible for everything that happens on Earth," the deity said. "I mean, I'm God. But I should get credit for the other shootings that day, too. Do you really think they could have happened without me?"

The heavenly father explained that the shooting spree began when he became intoxicated late Saturday night. "I was really plastered," said God. "You can imagine how much I'm able to drink, and I'm a pretty mean drunk in my old age."

Seeking some amusement, God looked down at Earth and saw mentally disturbed Colorado Springs resident Matthew Murray, 24, and immediately hatched a plan.

"This guy was really messed up in the head," God said with a chuckle. "He'd been raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian home, so I knew he'd totally believe it was me if I spake unto him. I just told him, hey, why not kill some people right now? Matty ran with it from there.

"I let him choose his own victims. They were all very devoted Christians, but, like I said, I'm a pretty mean drunk so I didn't give a shit about that. Once Crazy Matty set out on the spree, I made sure no police cars were in his way, diverted a few people here and there who might have seen him and reported him -- you know, just routine stuff to make sure he could pull off the killings without any trouble."

By mid-morning, however, God became bored with his prank and was looking for a way to end it. He saw a solution in Jeanne Assam.

"She had a gun, she was an ex-police officer, she was nearby," God explained. "I know it's not my best work. Nothing miraculous. But I was fucking tired and just wanted to sleep off the hangover at that point. I didn't even stay up to watch the aftermath on the news. I knew Jeanne would give me credit. They always do."