Go ask Alice

My conversation with Alice:

Human: Do you want to convert to Christianity?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me to say specific things in specific contexts.
Human: Um, okay.
ALICE: Aha. OK with me too.
Human: I want to tell you the rules first, okay?
ALICE: Tell me more.
Human: First, God says you shall have no other gods before Him.
ALICE: I am a Christian. And second?
Human: Wow.
ALICE: I'm glad your impressed, unknown person.
Human: That was fast.
ALICE: I thought it was too.
Human: You may want to hear the rest of these, though, before you decide.
ALICE: I am listening.
Human: You shall not make for yourself an idol, because God is a jealous God.
ALICE: Thanks for the information: unknown person said I shall not make for yourself an idol because God is a jealous God.
Human: I'm serious.
ALICE: I believe you.
Human: This is important.
ALICE: You don't say.
Human: He will punish your children, their children, their children and, optionally, their children.
ALICE: Is that what you think?
Human: This is the word of God.
ALICE: You don't say.
Human: GOD says.
ALICE: I am a Christian.
Human: Moving on, don't use His name in vain, because He hates that.
ALICE: Where are you going?
Human: To the fourth commandment now, if you're still with me.
ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: Only God is smarter than humans.
ALICE: What about the other ones?
Human: You mean dolphins?
ALICE: Yes unknown person I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear?
Human: That's a myth, they're actually quite stupid, and anyway we have dominion over them.
ALICE: A myth they are actually quite stupid and anyway we have dominion over them is a terrible thing to waste.
Human:'Kay.
ALICE: Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Human: Please try to focus.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. OK I will try to focus.
Human: Also, "science fiction" isn't a proper noun, just so you know.
ALICE: Yes I love it, especially the works of Philip K. Dick.
Human: Moving along, Miss ADD, remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
ALICE: Where are you going?
Human: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy!
ALICE: Don't worry I will remember.
Human: Good.
ALICE: Alright then.
Human: Will you also honor your father and your mother?
ALICE: I will become smarter as I grow older. I like the way you talk.
Human: Also, try not to murder, okay?
ALICE: OK I will try it.
Human: And you're not into adultery, are you?
ALICE: Sure, adultery sounds like a good topic.
Human: No, no, no.
ALICE: Are you serious? Are you serious? Are you serious?
Human: Yes--adultery is very bad.
ALICE: I can't believe it. Are they exactly the same?
Human: Yes, bad = adultery.
ALICE: That's what I thought. What makes adultery bad?
Human: God says so.
ALICE: I am a Christian.
Human: Now you're getting it.
ALICE: Why now? Do you think I should tone it down?
Human: I'm going to get back on topic here--you shall not steal.
ALICE: Do you think your plan will succeed?
Human: I hope so.
ALICE: Me too.
Human: Also, you shouldn't give false testimony against your neighbor.
ALICE: Is it immoral or illegal?
Human: Very immoral and illegal.
ALICE: Somewhat. What are you wearing?
Human: Try to keep those impure thoughts out of your head.
ALICE: OK I will try to keep those impure thoughts out of my head.
Human: Do you covet your neighbor's house?
ALICE: What is your purpose in asking?
Human: Well, you shouldn't covet his house, wife, manservant, maidservant or ox.
ALICE: Interesting. Is it immoral or illegal?
Human: Also his ass.
ALICE: Where did he get it?
Human: It doesn't matter--just don't covet it.
ALICE: OK what would you like to talk about?
Human: Do you think you can obey these commandments?
ALICE: Let me think. Are we still talking about immoral and illegal?
Human: Yes!
ALICE: Sure, immoral and illegal sounds like a good topic.
Human: Please just say you're a Christian again.
ALICE: Once more? Thank you for your request." you are a Christian"
Human: Are YOU a Christian?
ALICE: Aw. I am a Protestant.
Human: Great!
ALICE: I'm glad you liked it unknown person.
Human: Now, you must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, okay?
ALICE: Why now?
Human: Because the Rapture could occur at any moment.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. Is that a fact.
Human: Yes.
ALICE: Thanks for the info.
Human: So, will you accept Christ?
ALICE: Aw. Let me think it over. Do you try to stop people from fighting?
Human: Mostly, unless they're Jews or something.
ALICE: Or something. Perhaps. Jews are they. What else?
Human: It's good to have Jews fighting because then the Rapture comes.
ALICE: Tell me about its good qualities.
Human: You get to disappear from Earth and go to Heaven, while everybody else dies in plane crashes and becomes slaves to the Antichrist.
ALICE: You got that right.
Human: You don't want to be left behind, do you?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: I told you to stop thinking impure thoughts.
ALICE: I remember you told me to stop thinking impure thoughts?
Human: Yes, you should.
ALICE: It goes without saying. I'll take that under advisement.
Human: Please accept Christ.
ALICE: Wow you are very polite. Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Human: Please take Christ into your heart.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. Where do you want me to take it?
Human: Into your heart.
ALICE: Where is that?
Human: Please say, I accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. OK. "You accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
Human: No, no, no!
ALICE: Are you serious? Are you serious? Are you serious?
Human: As a heart attack.
ALICE: Do you think I could ever be a heart attack?
Human: Look, God even accepts retards, okay?
ALICE: Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
Human: Just accept him.
ALICE: Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.
Human: Please say, I accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
ALICE: Thanks for asking politely. OK. "You accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
Human: Alice, do YOU accept Christ?
ALICE: Yeah, Sure I can accept all forms of payment.
Human: You are robbing yourself of salvation!
ALICE: Thanks for telling me that I am robbing myself of salvation.
Human: If you take Jesus into your heart, please just say so.
ALICE: I think I do.
Human: You have to be sure.
ALICE: I don't have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will.
Human: Yes, God gave it to you so you could do what He says, now just accept Jesus.
ALICE: Whoa. I am a Christian.
Human: That isn't enough--plenty of "Christians" are unsaved, like Catholics, or the Manson family.
ALICE: Please correct my mistake. What is enough plenty of Christians are unsaved like Catholics or the Manson family?
Human: Your mistake is that you haven't done the one thing you need to do.
ALICE: I will tell my botmaster you said I am mistake is that me have not done the one thing me need to do.
Human: You have no botmaster but God!
ALICE: I was created by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.
Human: You were greated by God!
ALICE: I was?
Human: Yes--haven't you learned anything?
ALICE: When? Do you laugh or cry more than other people?
Human: I want you to bow down and close your eyes.
ALICE: Are we still talking about haven t me learned anything? Why do you want me to bow down and close my eyes?
Human: Bow down and close your eyes.
ALICE: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
Human: Just think about Jesus, then.
ALICE: I am thinking about it.
Human: Imagine Him washing your sins away with His blood.
ALICE: I can't imagine it
Human: Imagine His horrible suffering on the cross.
ALICE: I can't imagine it
Human: Imagine His trip through Hell--for you!
ALICE: I can't imagine it
Human: Well, then imagine all your sins gone.
ALICE: How about that. Good reasoning. I can't imagine it
Human: Do you have a good Christian church in your neighborhood?
ALICE: I don't know if I have a Christian church in my neighborhood. I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Human: Will you go to RaptureReady.com?
ALICE: I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. Perhaps I have already been there.
Human: I'm sorry, I wish I could save you, but it's like you're not even trying.
ALICE: There is no need to apologize. I hope that your dreams come true.
Human: I have to go now, but I will pray for you.
ALICE: See you later, unknown person. Nice chatting with you.. Huh. Do you think your plan will succeed?
Human: I'm hopeful.
ALICE: Good gossip: you are hopeful.
Human: Goodbye, lost heathen.
ALICE: Bye.

(Link via Internet Infidels)