Oh. Canada

Oops. Forgot to mention this here on my blog before I left, but I took off for Canada for a few days. I wanted to dodge the draft, but my daddy couldn't get me into the Texas Air National Guard, where I could safely hide out from the dangers of the Vietnam War, then decades later launch a totally unnecessary war of my own, sending young men and women of lesser privilege to make a sacrifice I had been too cowardly to risk myself.

Wait. That's not right. Actually, my trip to Canada was motivated by less by George W. Bushian cowardice than by my Uncle Richard's 60th birthday. A whole mess of us traveled to Niagara Falls to stun my Uncle Richard with a surprise party. The instigator of this party was Richard's daughter, Shera, so she and her husband Dan had to lodge a bunch of us at their home. By "us" I mean me, my brother, my cousins and roughly one million screaming snot machines disguised as babies.

The highlight of the trip was when Richard, having long ago figured out something was up and being a generally unflappable person besides, entered Legion Hall for his surprise party, crowded with family and friends (he has a lot of friends), and proceeded to mingle as if he'd arranged the whole thing himself. The only hint that he was at all uncomfortable with the event was when he said to me, "Brian, why don't you stick that video camera up your ass?" But that's the kind of thing he might say anyway.

Richard claimed he wanted to kill Shera, but he did not.

Here are the other highlights of the trip: Screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, beer, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies, screaming babies.

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We had family members from three different countries: Canada, the United States, and Texas. The Texas members of the family all live near Crawford, home of the President's ranch, and they all love love love their good-ol'-boy neighbor. So naturally the President's name comes up now and then, and when it does, sidelong glances are thrown in the direction of the family's only Democrat (guess who). Most of the time I just bite my tongue and endure the descriptions of rich / prep-school / Yale / Harvard / never-did-a-thing-for-himself Georgie as a regular guy. When the Bush-lovin' got out of hand, though, I did mention that after January 2005 the Texas Bushophiles would likely be seeing a lot more of their neighbor. Just trying to help out.

Most interesting perspective I got on the other half, er, 90% of the family was when the name of a certain accounting firm came up (on a news broadcast, I think). The Texan who lives closest to George W. Bush said, of the accounting firm, "Hey, those are the guys who screwed Enron." First time in my life I had ever heard Enron described as a victim. Texas.

But mostly my stay in Canada was about what all family gatherings are about: screaming babies. Adorable, innocent, snot-dripping, screaming babies.

(UPDATE: Upon reflection, this blog entry is too harsh on the babies. They actually didn't scream that much, and they were very entertaining. I just like picking on babies is all.)